


Need To Tell You

by afteriwake



Category: Bleach
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-18
Updated: 2012-09-18
Packaged: 2017-11-14 12:41:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/515344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afteriwake/pseuds/afteriwake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inescapable pain sometimes gets vanquished by something as simple as someone’s presence, even if you aren’t aware that they are there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Need To Tell You

The last seventeen months had been hard for him. Hitsugaya had apologized, but he wasn’t sure she believed him. He had tried to talk to her again, once, but it was as though she was keeping her distance, like she was guarded. So now they avoided each other, and he hated it. He hated so many things about that day in the fake Karakura Town, but most of all he hated the way Aizen had tricked him into stabbing her. The fact that he was the reason she’d been in a coma for a month and a half, the fact that he felt so damn guilty over it…it was all Aizen’s fault, and he was terrified that nothing would ever heal their friendship because she seemed to be fixated on it. Maybe not as much as he was, but it was a central fact of her life now that he had run his sword through her.

So, in the end, he had given up, just let the guilt gnaw at him. He threw himself into his work, grateful now for Matsumoto’s lazy tendencies. And he had allowed himself to help her with the guilt she felt for Gin’s death, for the knowledge that everything he had done he had done for her. But no matter how much she tried to help him absolve himself of some of his guilt it just sat there like dead weight in his chest and in his mind. He would work, and it would go away for a while, but it came back for a vengeance when he tried to sleep. Nights where those events didn’t play over and over in his mind when he shut his eyes were few and far between, and he had found that the fact that he was being avoided for being in such a foul mood all the time didn’t bother him anymore.

He hated the person he had become. Hated him with a passion that rivaled the hate he had for Aizen. He wanted to go back to how things were before, not just before Karakura Town but before Aizen stabbed her the first time. He wanted to go back to a time when they would talk. He wanted to hear her voice directed at him again, to hear her speak with a smile on her face. He wanted to hear her to call him Shiro-chan so bad that he wanted to scream to the heavens and then crawl on his hands and knees and beg her forgiveness until she forgave him, even if it took the rest of his life to do so.

So when he was asked to break up a fight between members of the 11th Division, he went at it because being angry with the division for being stupid was a break from being angry at himself, at the situation. He hadn’t expected to have a sword run through his chest by someone in the division looking to make a name for himself. As the light began to fade and the life began to slip out of him, he saw Kenpachi stepping in with a mask of fury on his face, and he heard yelling, and then…nothing, nothing except the knowledge that, finally, he knew the pain he had inflicted on her, and he was so sorry he had caused her that pain. And then he felt nothing at all.

\--

There was a timid knock on the door of the 5th Division headquarters. Hinamori had been working diligently, as she worked every day. They had a new Captain, a good woman who was trustworthy and patient and kind, and Hinamori had felt things bear a semblance to how they used to be. She felt empty, at times, and her new Captain was patient when she slipped into a melancholy state. Sometimes the state was brought about by thoughts of Aizen, and other times it was brought about by thoughts of Hitsugaya. Months ago she had forgiven him, because she knew it wasn’t his fault, that Aizen had tricked him. But he was avoiding her, and if that was what he wanted she would respect it, even though it pained her immensely.

“Come in,” she said, looking up from her paperwork. Isane let herself in, and from the look on her face Hinamori knew instantly it was bad news.

“My Captain wishes to speak with you. It is an urgent matter,” she said. “It’s about Captain Hitsugaya.”

If it was Captain Unohana who was asking for her, whatever had happened required him to be in the 4th Divisions care, and a jumble of emotions gripped her: fear, worry, anger, dread, sadness. Whatever had happened, she knew it was not good.

“I will go now,” she said, standing up and going to the door. She followed Isane in an almost daze, her mind running through what may have happened to him. The possibilities were endless, and the more she thought about it the more worry threatened to overtake her, but she kept putting one foot in front of the other, moving at the same speed that Isane set, a brisk pace down the hallways and corridors that lead to the healing center and the 4th Division headquarters. When Isane opened the door to Unohana’s office, the knot in her stomach was becoming unbearable.

“Lieutenant Hinamori,” Unohana said. “Young Hitsugaya has been stabbed and is in critical condition in one of our rooms.”

“How did it happen?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“He was intervening in a brawl in the 11th Division quarters and was stabbed through the chest by a member of that squad. He may not make it through the night, I’m afraid.”

Hinamori felt her knees shake and tears form at the corner of her eyes. He couldn’t die, not like this, not before he knew she had forgiven him and she wanted him in her life again and she was so so sorry she hadn’t been brave enough to tell him. The knowledge that she might be too late spurned her on to shake these reactions and regain her composure. ”May I see him?”

Unohana nodded. “His Lieutenant is there now, but I think we can let you in now to see him. Isane, please take her to his room.”

Isane nodded and lead the way through the sterile hallways until they reached the last room on the left. She opened it slowly and saw Matsumoto sitting next to his bed dozing slightly. “Lieutenant Matsumoto?” Isane said, moving into the room to shake the woman’s shoulder.

Matsumoto awoke with a start, looking at the two women. “How long has it been?”

“Six hours,” she said. “Hinamori would like to spend some time with him now.”

“Yes, of course,” Matsumoto said, standing up. She put her hand on Hinamori’s shoulder. “I believe he will be okay. You must believe the same thing, Hinamori. Hope is something that will help this situation.”

Hinamori nodded and moved to the chair as the other two women left. She took a deep breath and reached over to take his hand in hers. “Shiro-chan, I don’t know if you can hear me, but…please don’t die. I need you. I’ve needed you all these months, and I just wasn’t brave enough to tell you. I forgave you so long ago, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you didn’t know.” Tears leaked down her cheeks now as she squeezed his hand. “Please, please live. Please.”

She didn’t expect a reaction, and she didn’t get one. She let the tears fall, not wiping them away because she didn’t want to let go of his hand. She held it for so long that she began to fall asleep, and then sleep overtook her and she began to dream, to dream of better days in the road ahead. She hoped these dreams would come true.

\--

It became a routine every night. She would go to his room, hold his hand, talk to him and fall asleep in the chair next to his bed. Matsumoto showed up every so often, but she preferred to spend her time with her Captain in the hours before Hinamori got there. And with the full responsibility of her squad on her lap, a few hours were the most she could spare now.

It was a month afterwards when Matsumoto dashed through the corridors to the 5th Division headquarters, where Hinamori was finishing for the night. “Momo!” she called from the door before she opened it. “Momo, he’s awake!”

Hinamori’s eyes opened wide and she dropped the paperwork she had been carrying all over the floor. The papers fluttered down as Matsumoto entered the room, a smile on her face and tears of happiness in her eyes. “And he wants to see me?”

“Yes. I told him you had been there every night, that you had kept him company. But I didn’t even need to tell him that. Your name was the first thing he said.” She moved close to the girl and clasped their hands together. “Don’t worry about your papers, I will clean them up. Go. Go see him.”

Hinamori nodded, moving out of the room with a quickness that surprised her. She was moving almost as fast as she would using shunpo, she felt, but she knew she wasn’t. Still, it took too long to get to healing center, even though she took every shortcut she knew. When she got to the door she wanted to throw it open, but she took a moment to regain her composure and open it softly. “Hitsugaya?” she asked quietly.

“Momo,” he said, in a voice that sounded harsh and soft. It would be, she realized, after a month of not speaking. She entered the room more and saw he was sitting up slightly in the bed. He turned to look at her. “I am…pleased…you are here.”

She moved next to his bed and sat down in the chair she had sat in every night for the last thirty days. “You sound good, Hitsugaya. I mean, you look…I mean…”

“Please. Call me Toshiro. Please,” he said softly. His eyes had been open and he closed them again, settling into the pillows that elevated him.

“All right, Toshiro,” she said.

“Matsumoto said you have been here every night,” he said. “I am glad.”

“I simply returned the favor,” she said softly.

“Oh,” he said, turning to look at her. His turquoise eyes looked at her intently. “That was all it was?”

“No, no, Hitsu-Toshiro, no, that’s not what I meant,” she said, blushing slightly as she stammered. “You were here every night when we all came back. You did not leave me alone. And I could not leave you alone, either.”

“Oh,” he said, relaxing again, the intensity of his gaze lessening in severity. He even smiled faintly. “I had thought you never wanted to speak to me or see me again.”

“No! Oh, Toshiro, I forgave you a long time ago, but you never approached me again so I thought you no longer wanted anything to do with me.” She bowed her head. “I was a coward. I never told you and all this time…and then you got stabbed…and then I thought it was too late.” Tears leaked down her face. “I prayed you would wake up. I prayed every moment I was awake and by your bedside. I prayed before I slept and I prayed when I woke up. I prayed you would live so I could tell you I bear you no ill will.”

“Momo,” he said. She continued to cry until she felt a feather light caress on her cheek. Her head snapped up and she saw him looking at her. “I wanted to give up. I wanted to give up and let the pain go, but something kept me here. And I believe it was you.”

“You fought on for me?” she asked. He nodded. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say that we will never go this long without speaking again. Say that you will be by my side. Say that you care for me.”

“I will never go more than a day without speaking to you. And I will stay by your side like I’ve done for so long now. And I do care for you, so much. I love you, Toshiro.”

His eyes widened. “Love?”

“Yes,” she said softly. “I do love you. I have for a long time, but I never thought you would know. If you do not return my feelings, that is okay. I just wanted to let you know while I still had a chance.”

“I…love you as well,” he said. “Every day hurt because you were not in my life anymore. I hated the empty place that was left in place of you.”

“Oh, Toshiro!” she said, getting up out of the seat and throwing her arms around him as best she could. He closed his arms around her and held her close. “Today, today I am so happy.”

“Will you stay here again tonight?” he asked, letting her go. “I imagine Captain Unohana might object, but I would like to hold you for a little while.”

She smiled at him, a radiant, brilliant smile. He shifted to the side and she climbed onto his bed. It took them a moment to get settled, but she curled up on her side and put her hand on his chest as he settled an arm around her shoulders. They lay in silence until both of them fell asleep, swathed in a feeling of contentment.


End file.
